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初次翻译,请多指教:龙枪:灵魂之战三部曲:落日之巨龙

初次翻译,请多指教:龙枪:灵魂之战三部曲:落日之巨龙

            作者: MARGARET WEIS & TRACY HICKMAN
翻译: 头昏脑涨的pusher

龙枪
灵魂之战三部曲
卷一:落日之巨龙



                MiNa's SONG
                米娜之歌


        The day has passed beyond our power.
        时光流逝,无人能够挽留。
        The petals close upon the flower.
        花儿枯败调落,
        The light is failing in this hour
        光芒暗淡消沉,
        Of day's last waning breath.
        在这时代最后一次月亏之日。
        The blackness of the night surrounds
        夜晚的黑幕笼罩,
        The distant souls of stars now found,
        遥远群星的灵魂聚合,
        Far from this world to which we're bound,
        远离禁锢我们的世界,
        Of sorrow, fear and death.
        悲哀,恐惧,死亡。
        Sleep, love; forever sleep.
        沉睡,挚爱;永恒长眠。
        Your soul the night will keep.
        夜晚持有你的灵魂。
        Embrace the darkness deep.
        深深拥抱这片黑暗。
        Sleep, love; forever sleep.
        沉睡,挚爱;永恒长眠。
        The gathering darkness takes our souls,
        聚拢的黑暗载有我们的灵魂,
        Embracing us in chilling folds,
        将我们拥入冰冷的怀抱,
        Deep in a Mistress's void that holds
        在女主人的虚无深处,
        Our fate within her hands.
        我们的命运系于她的手心。
        Dream, warriors, of the dark above
        梦想,勇士,高于一切的黑暗。
        And feel the sweet redemption of
        感受那甜美的救赎
        The Night's Consort, and of her love
        来自夜的伴侣,来自她的爱,
        For those within her bands.
        给予她的奴仆。
        Sleep, love; forever sleep.
        沉睡,挚爱;永恒长眠。
        Your soul the night will keep.
        夜晚持有你的灵魂。
        Embrace the darkness deep.
        深深拥抱这片黑暗。
        Sleep, love; forever sleep.
        沉睡,挚爱;永恒长眠。
        We close our eyes, our minds at rest,
        我们闭上双眼,松懈思维,
        Submit our wills to her behest,
        遵从她的旨意,
        Our weaknesses to her confessed,
        承认我们的软弱,
        And to her will we bend.
        屈从她的意愿。
        The strength of silence fills the sky,
        沉默的力量密布天空,
        Its depth beyond both you and I.
        它的深度是你我无法估量。
        Into its arms our souls will fly,
        我们的灵魂在它的怀抱中飞翔,
        Where fear and sorrows end.
        恐惧、悲哀,都在此终结。
        Sleep, love; forever sleep.
        沉睡,挚爱;永恒长眠。
        Your soul the night will keep.
        夜晚持有你的灵魂。
        Embrace the darkness deep.
        深深拥抱这片黑暗。
        Sleep, love; forever sleep.
        沉睡,挚爱;永恒长眠。


BOOK ONE
第一篇


              CHAPTER ONE
                第一章
            THE SONG OF DEATH
                死亡之歌



The dwarves named the valley Gamashinoch-the Song of
Death. None of the living walked here of their own free
will. Those who entered did so out of desperation, dire
need, or because they had been ordered to do so by their com-
manding officer.

  矮人将这个山谷命名为Gamashinoch——死亡之歌。没有人会乐意踏入此地半步。来这儿的,是因为绝望,或是欲望,或是长官的命令。

They had been listening to the" song" for several hours as
their advance brought them nearer and nearer the desolate valley.
The song was eerie, terrible. Its words, which were never clearly
heard, never quite distinguishable-at least not with the ears-
spoke of death and worse than death. The song spoke of entrap-
ment, bitter frustration, unending torment. The song was a
lament, a song of longing for a place the soul remembered, a
haven of peace and bliss now unattainable.

  他们距离这个荒芜的山谷越来越近,“歌声”已经伴随他们的旅途好几小时。这支歌听来非常的怪诞和恐怖。歌词大部分模糊不清,无可辩识——至少单凭耳朵无法听清。它述说着死亡以及比死亡更糟的故事,述说着致命的诱骗,痛苦的挫败,永恒的折磨。这是一支挽歌,渴求一块灵魂得以铭记之地,一个安宁的极乐天堂,但迄今无法实现。

On first hearing the mournful song, the Knights had reined in
their steeds, hands reaching for their swords as they stared about
them in unease, crying "what is that?" and "who goes there?"

  当这哀伤的歌曲第一次飘入耳中,骑士们全都勒住了马,手按住佩剑,不安地看着,并大声呼喝“那是什么?”,“谁在那儿?”

But no one went there. No one of the living. The Knights
looked at their commander, who stood up in his stirrups, inspect-
ing the cliffs that soared above them on their right and the left.
"It is nothing," he said at last. "The wind among the rocks.
Proceed."

  但那儿没人。没有任何生物。骑士们看向他们的指挥官,指挥官站在马镫上,侦察左右高悬于顶的峭壁。“什么也没有,”他最后说道,“是风吹过岩石的声音。继续前进。”

He urged his horse forward along the road, which ran, turn-
ing and twisting, through the mountains known as the Lords of
Doom. The men under his command followed single file, the pass
was too narrow for the mounted patrol to ride abreast.

  他策马向前。这些山被称为“末日之王”,山路蜿蜒曲折,由于过于狭窄,骑士们排成一字纵队跟随在指挥官身后。

"I have heard the wind before, my lord," said one Knight
gruffly, "and it has yet to have a human voice. It warns us to stay
away. We would do well to heed it."

  “我以前听到过风发出这样的声音,长官。”一名骑士粗声说,“风中有一个人类的声音。它警告我们远离此地。我们最好听它的。”

"Nonsense!" Talon Leader Ernst Magit swung around in his
saddle to glare at his scout and second-in-command, who walked
behind him. "Superstitious claptrap! But then you minotaurs are
noted for clinging to old, outmoded ways and ideas. It is time you
entered the modem era. The gods are gone, and good riddance, I
say. We humans rule the world."

  “胡说!”Talon长官Ernst Magit在坐骑上回转身子,看着走在后面的侦察员,也是队伍的二把手。“迷信的托词!你们牛头人一向以固守陈旧过时的方法和观念而著称。你们是时候溶入现代社会了。神全都离开了。我要说,摆脱他们是一大喜事。现今我们人类统治世界。”

A single voice, a woman's voice, had first sung the Song of
Death. Now her voice was joined by a fearful chorus of men,
women, and children raised in a dreadful chant of hopeless loss
and misery that echoed among the mountains.

  最初吟唱死亡之歌的只有一个女声,现在发展为有许多男人、女人、儿童参与的大合唱。恐怖的圣歌在群山中回荡,歌唱令人绝望的失败和悲苦。
            完全是胡译乱译,请大家原谅。请大家帮忙修改,批评指教,……

头晕脑涨中,以后内容待续。

顺便问几个名词的翻译:
Gamashinoch
Talon

万分感激。
                   没人帮一下忙吗?
            最近忙得焦头烂额,再看那么多E文会头痛啊。

大致看了一半,先提个小意见。这句中文是不是改改,连用两个“或是”不太好,前一个可以删略的
QUOTE
来这儿的,是因为绝望,或是欲望,或是长官的命令。


改为“来这儿的,是因为绝望,欲望,或是长官的命令。”
            你有原文的电子书吗?如果有我倒是很乐意帮你一起翻。

sinbad说的那个问题,我觉得或许可以翻成:
来这儿的人,或是伤心绝望,或是别有所求,或是长官的命令难以违抗。
这也是独特的表达方式,比较有形式的美感。
另:总觉得这句话的原文,语法有些问题的说。
           
QUOTE
原作者 Deathhush
你有原文的电子书吗?如果有我倒是很乐意帮你一起翻。  

sinbad说的那个问题,我觉得或许可以翻成:
来这儿的人,或是伤心绝望,或是别有所求,或是长官的命令难以违抗。
这也是独特的表达方式,比较有形式的美感。
另:总觉得这句话的原文,语法有些问题的说。


同意,这个也是一个办法。
            这两个词怎翻:
Gamashinoch
Talon
                   这段试阅里有
           
QUOTE
原作者 pusher
这两个词怎翻:
Gamashinoch  
Talon


(1)从文章来看 Gamashinoch 应该是矮人语的 死亡之歌的意思,个人觉得音译出来就可以了。

(2)Talon是塔克西丝骑士团最小的组织单位,路大翻成 小队(也可能是小连,有个要命的印刷错误)
小队 Talon    九名骑士组成
连  Wing   五个Talon
中队 Compgroup 七个Wing
营  Shield  五个Compgroup
大队 Quadron   四个Shield
军团 Army     七个Quadron

具体的可以参见《龙枪传承》P457 有关塔克西丝骑士团的附录
            Those who entered did so out of desperation, dire
need, or because they had been ordered to do so by their com-
manding officer.

呵呵,原文没有问题

可以翻译成:除了被绝望和迫急需要驱赶的人们,逗留在此的也只有那些服从长官命令的人。
            我是说那个 did so out of
感觉上out of 不该是个动词吧?我也没有听说过这个短语。当然也可能是我孤陋寡闻。

这句句子好像还是你翻得最棒。:p
            其实英文也是很活跃的语言,所以不要试图记住太多短语来规划自己的头脑就可以了。。。

我没有在书本上见过out of这个短语,不过日常人们说话的时候就是。。。什么什么的原因之类的意思~
                   my lord 是不是翻成吾主
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