呃……我不知道这个是该发在恶搞区魔戒区还是文学原创区……

但愿不火星……


这是国外论坛上一个很有名的帖子，被转载的到处都是……

主题是： If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else……What would it look like?

应该有你熟悉的作者（我把作者名字都翻译了……分了类……方便查找……）





娥苏拉•勒奎恩Ursula K. Le Guin——《地海传说》

Frodo had no choice. He was only a dreamer. Dr Gandalf injected him with the elvish elixer, and counted backward from three. At one, Frodo lay sprawled on the couch. Now, thought Gandalf. He carefully lowered the Augmentor to Frodo's temples.

Dr Gandalf smiled placatingly at Ms. Galadriel, the elvish lawyer Frodo had dragged to this session, interrupting and even threatening their work. "He is Voluntary, as you can see," he offered. "Quite a troubling case. You heard how he talked about his 'recious."

"But you say he's not psychotic?" Galadriel regarded him through narrowed eyes. The wizard practically stank of his own self-regard. Galadriel looked at the diplomas over his desk. She'd bet his doctorate from the Moriah School of Mining was honorary.

Ignoring the advocate, Gandalf prowled about the room, studying Frodo from different angles as he lay crumpled on the couch, the Augmentor pulsing softly. "Something harder this time," muttered Gandalf, glancing at the spectacular view of Mount Doom through his handsome office window. Something noble. Worthy of my powers--of Frodo's powers, he amended himself grimly. Something to bring peace to Middle Earth. Impulsively he leaned to Frodo's hairy ear and whispered, "The Dark Lord! Remove him from his Dark Throne!"

Frodo's eyes twitched under his lids. He murmured something just below the threshold of Gandalf's hearing. A subtle change in the room's light made Gandalf look up suddenly. Mount Doom was erupting. Rivers of orange flame licked the broad dressed foundation stones of the Misty Mountains Oneirological Institute. Screaming wraiths twisted in the firey wind, while orcs by the millions marched up Saruman Street.

Frodo lay supine, his breathing unchanged. My god, thought Gandalf, reaching for the Augmentor with trembling, grey fingers. He dreamed as I asked. The Dark Lord is off his throne. But not deatroyed. He walks among us in downtown Rivendell and all the cities of elves and men.

Frodo opened his eyes. "You changed something, didn't you?" he gasped. He gave the window only a glance, as if he already knew what he would see. He closed his eyes again. "You're no good at this Dr Gandalf, you let your ego make choices for the world." He bolted upright suddenly, grabbing Gandalf's bony wrist in a surprisingly strong embrace. "Galadriel! Where is she?"

Gandalf looked stupidly at Frodo's hand. Something was very wrong. "What do you mean?"

"Galadriel! The Voluntary Treatment advocate! She was just here! How can you not remember?" Frodo buried his face in his hands. Could even he remember Galadriel? Had she been an elf when first he met her? Or might she have been a dwarf that time? Frodo became aware of a strange lightness to his hands as he wearily rubbed his eyes. "The Ring! Damn you, Gandalf! What did you make me dream?" He wept. "What if I never dream the Ring again?"

--Ursula K. Le Guin, The Wraithe of Heaven


罗伯特•乔丹——时光之轮

If it was written by Robert Jordan it would be 10 books long.



特里•布鲁克斯 terry brooks——《沙娜拉之剑》

Never gets written.

No source material.



雷•布雷德伯里 Ray Bradbury——《华氏451》、《火星编年史》

In which Gandalf gains a new perspective on his heretofore unexamined mission:

It was a pleasure to burn.

It was a special pleasure to see Hobbits eaten, to see them blackened and changed. With the wooden staff in his fists, with this great python spitting its venomous pitch upon the Shire, the blood pounded in his head, and his hands were the hands of some amazing conductor playing all the symphonies of blazing and burning to bring down the tatters and charcoal ruins of history. With his pointed hat on his wizened head, and his eyes all orange flame with the thought of what came next, he mumbled a Word of Command and the Great Smials jumped up in a gorging fire that burned the evening sky red and yellow and black. He strode in a swarm of fireflies. He wanted above all, like the old joke, to shove a haunch of mutton on a spit in the furnace, while the flapping, ridiculous Hobbits died on the porch and lawn of the great Hobbit-hole. While the Hobbits went up in greasy, sparkling whirls that blew away on a wind turned dark with burning.

Gandalf grinned the fierce grin of all men singed and driven back by flame. Fools of Tooks! he thought with an inward chuckle, as the smell of burnt foot-hair filled his nostrils, as welcome as the smell of a fresh-baked apple pie cooling on the sill.

He knew that when he returned to Lothlórien, he might wink at himself, a minstrel man, burnt-corked, in the Mirror of Galadriel. Later, going to sleep, he would feel the fiery smile still gripped by his face muscles, in the dark. It never went away, that smile, it never ever went away, as long as he remembered.



皮尔斯•安东尼 Piers Anthony——《宾克的魔法》

LoTR written by *shudder* Piers Anthony.

Forget it, that's for stronger stomachs than mine.



a la "Doc" Smith

"QX, Sam!" Cried Frodo. "That zwilnik Gollum had just enough jets to cut me free from that blasted ring!"

Meanwhile Sam's steely gaze followed the form of Gollum into the cracks of doom. The kinetic energy of its wretched body's translation into one with the magma became heat. Heat added to heat. It piled up ragingly, frantically, equilibrating, then turning hotter. Hotter! HOTTER! "By Ulmo's carballoy bowels, ringman Frodo! We gotta get to clear ether!"

"Udun's jingling bells, Sam! Its covered. I phialed a message to Galadriel to alert our boys in Aeries we'd be needing them! They'll be here in 3.3 minutes, Eriador standard time."

And as the Grand Fleet of the Eagle Patrol blasted away from Mordor airspace with the two second-stage ringmen firmly in their grip, Frodo wondered when he would next be called upon to pull the chestnuts of the Valar out of the fire again.




JK罗琳——《哈利波特》

See Frodo run,
Run Frodo run.
See Sauron search,
Gollum and Frodo are playing,
Oops, Gollum dropped the ring in Mount Doom.
Now Sauron will have to find another ring.

-- See Frodo Run

Frodo crept down the stairs of the of the castle, his invisible cloak sweeping around his legs. He simply had to get the ring into Professor Saurons office without attracting attention. The castle was quite and he made his way without difficulty. A faint light was glowing from under the Professors door but nobody appeared to be in the office. Sneaking in quietly, he saw the volcano on the ledge bubbling quietly. He was just about to throw this ring into the fiery chasm when the door burst open and the Professor strode in. Not having time to think, Frodo Potter froze on the spot, grateful for being invisible.

Professor Sauron wasn't the only person who entered the room however. A massive hulking glowing monster had also ambled in alongside him and they were now deep in a conversation. Frodo froze, although he had never met one of those before, he had heard about it enough times to know that the thing standing in front of him was a Balrog!

"I want you to send a message to Professor Saruman, Tell him that I am prepared to join forces so that we can both live our lives without worrying about prying eyes. Fly swiftly for I need the message soon"

"But I dont have no wings" said the Balrog dumbly

"Use a broomstick you fool" snarled professor Sauron and swiftly left the classroom.

So it was true thought Frodo Potter, Sauron wan't to get rid of him and he was willing to enlist the help of Saruman to do it. He had to tell his friends Pippin and Merrione, they would know what to do.

"striding out of the classroom as fast as he could, he turned down a corridor without looking and a giant flash of green light blinded him. The scar on his forehead was now excruciating with pain. The last thing he saw before he blacked out was the figure of Elrond laughing madly.

Frodo gradually became aware that he was now lying in a bed. Trying to get up, he heard a gently voice in his ear.

"Ah, Frodo, it seems we are up and about already", it was the gentle voice of Headmaster Gandalf.

"I suppose you want to know what happened last night, It turns out that your last Defense against Dark Arts teacher wasn't really Elrond at all but was actually Lord Melkor's minion, Smeagol. You see, nobody actually knew what Elrond looked like before he came to HobbitWarts becuase he kept to himself. When Smeagol arrived, we all assumed it was Elrond. Quite unfortunate really."

"But I saw Professor Sauron with that Balrog, he was talking about removing those prying eyes"

"Yes, Sauron was one of the first suspect something about Smeagol, it was all those potions full of rotten fish that gave it away he said. He knew he couldn't tackle Smeagol alone so he enlisted the help of Saruman. He was the one who found you unconcious"

"You mean... Sauron is innocent?" stammered Frodo

"Yes you fool of a Took! I've been trying to tell you that for the last 4 years" snapped Gandalf rather angrily "Now get some rest so we can send you home to your awful Uncle Bilbo"

-- Frodo Baggins and the One Ring by JK Rowling ("Frodo Baggins and the Knarliest Ring" in the USA)


刘易斯•卡洛尔——《爱丽丝漫游奇境记》

Frodo was beginning to get very tired of living with his uncle Bilbo in Hobbiton and of having nothing to do: once or twice he had peeped into the red book in which Bilbo was writing, but he couldn’t make it out and it did not have enough pictures of elves, ‘and what is the use of a book,' thought Frodo `without pictures of elves?'

So he was considering in his own mind (as well as she could, for the hot day made him feel very sleepy and stupid), whether the pleasure of having an ale with Sam in Bywater would be worth the trouble of getting up and collecting Same, when suddenly a dwarf with a blue hood and walking stick ran close by him.

There was nothing so very remarkable in that; nor did Frodo think it so very much out of the way to hear the Dwarf say to himself, `Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be late! And Balin will be so angry with me' (when he thought it over afterwards, it occurred to him that he ought to have wondered at this, but at the time it all seemed quite natural); but when the dwarf actually took a large axe out of its belt, and swung it a few times as if preparing for battle, and then hurried on, Frodo started to his feet, for it flashed across his mind that he had never before seen a Dwarf in Hobbiton with either an axe or a belt to remove it from, and burning with curiosity, he ran across the field after it, and fortunately was just in time to see it pop down a large hole under the hedge.

In another moment down went Frodo after it, never once considering how in the world he was to get out again. The hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly that Frodo had not a moment to think about stopping himself before he found himself falling down a very deep well.

Either the well was very deep, or he fell very slowly, for he had plenty of time as he went down to look about him and to wonder what was going to happen next. First, he tried to look down and make out what he was coming to, but it was too dark to see anything; then he looked at the sides of the well, and noticed that they were filled with cupboards and book-shelves; here and there she saw maps of Middle Earth and pictures of dragons hung upon pegs. He took down a jar from one of the shelves as he passed; it was labeled `LEMBAS,' but to his great disappointment it was empty . . . .

From Frodo's Adventures in Middle Earth, by Lewis Carroll.



大卫•艾丁斯David Eddings——《圣石传奇Belgarida》

Err... I don't know where that came from. But I *do* know where this came from:

Belrond lounged indolently back in his chair, scratching at his formal purple robe in mild irritation. "Why do I have to wear this thing, anyway?"

Arwen smirked at him. "I think it helps them to think of you as
somewhat respectable, Old Wolf. Frodo, if you don't stop playing with it, it will never leave you alone."

Frodo looked up from the glowing blue ring in his lap. "But it keeps singing to me. Why's it doing that?" Belrond and Arwen exchanged a glance. "It does that to everyone, Frodo. Now, put it back in your pouch and let's go. I'm sure the council is about to start."

As if on cue, Legolas entered, bowing deeply. "Ancient and Beloved, Lady Arwen, the kings have assembled and await thy presence." Rolling his eyes, Belrond lead them down the hallway towards the council chamber. Frodo stared at the rich tapestries and columns of pure white marble, thinking how a few months ago, he had been living in a simple hobbit-hole, and Aunt Arwen was just Aunt Arwen and not someone to be treated with respect by kings.

As they rounded a corner, Belrond was nearly floored by a dirty fist. Legolas watching in disbelief, Belrond wrestled his assailant to the ground, each of them letting out a stream of curses that curled Frodo's ears. Finally, they separated, and Belrond cursed again, muttering "What's got into that ratty excuse for a head on your shoulders, Gandalf?"

His opponent, a hairy, misshapen fellow clad in grimy grey robes, glared back. "That's for sending me to Saruman's tower on a fool's errand, Belrond. The old goat sat me on his roof for three months. I'm lucky he lost concentration and let me shift into falcon form before I started getting too hungry." With a belch, he turned his attention to Arwen. "You're getting fat, Arwen. Aragorn finally knock you up, or you just letting yourself go?"

Legolas gasped, but Arwen regarded the ugly wizard calmly. "When's the last time you took a bath, Gandalf?"

Gandalf shrugged negligently, scratching himself "I think a storm rained on me a couple years ago, while I was watching Kal Sauron's tomb."

...

-- Lord of the (Blue) Rings, by David Eddings

安东尼•德•圣艾修伯里——《小王子》

At the Sign of the Prancing Sheep

“Draw me a nazgul.”
“What?”
“Draw me a nazgul.”
I jumped on my feet as though I’d been slapped by an invisible Baggins, and rubbed my eyes. The most extraordinary hobbit watched me gravely. I’ve drawn a picture of him, but it isn’t anywhere near as charming as the original. It isn’t my fault. I was discouraged from my career as an artist at age six by the big Numeoreans. I’ve never been able to draw anything except cross sections of orcs. And for that, I’ve used swords. “What are you standing there for?”
He watched me gravely, and said, as if it were a matter of great concern, “If you please, draw me a nazgul.”
I said I was a ranger who studied geography, and history, and rings, but that I didn’t know how to draw. He answered, “I must know. Draw me a nazgul.”
I drew as best I knew how, producing something like an orc that had swallowed a dwarf.
“No! No!” he said. “Not a vivisected orc! I need to know what a nazgul looks like!”
I drew a picture of a horse.
“What kind of nazgul is that?”
“It’s riding its horse. It’s been decowled.”
He tilted his head, and toyed with a golden ring. “Oh, yes! I think I see!”
That’s how I made the acquaintance of the prince of hobbits.

J.R.R. de Saint Exupery



苏斯博士Dr. Seuss——美国最伟大的儿童图书作家和画家，《戴高帽的猫The cat in the hat》

"Gandalf, Gandalf! Take the ring!
I am too small to carry this thing!"

"I can not, will not hold the One.
You have a slim chance, but I have none.
I will not take it on a boat,
I will not take it across a moat.
I cannot take it under Moria,
that's one thing I can't do for ya.
I would not bring it into Mordor,
I would not make it to the border."

-excerpt from Dr. Suess's FOTR.



安徒生版

The Little Ring by Hans Christian Andersen

Once there was a beautiful golden ring that had been made by a terrible lord. This wicked lord wished to be the king of all the world. He made the little ring to help him gain power over the many good kings and queens who ruled in the lands about him.

The little ring was very proud that he was such a splendid ring. He knew that all who saw him wished to own him and be as powerful as the wicked lord. He saw many ride in battle to try to overthrow the wicked lord, but none ever succeeded. "I must be a wonderful thing!" thought the little ring, "I am coveted by all!"

But one day, there was an awful battle, and the ring was cut off the hand of the wicked lord! The little ring felt himself picked up by a mighty king. He was glad, for the mighty king had a great army and glorious banners. The little ring thought he would be very happy with the mighty king, and that he would live in a grand palace and be the most prized possession of the kingdom.

Alas, it was not to be, for the mighty king was killed and the ring sank to the bottom of a river. He was very sad, for it was lonely and cold there. "I wish I could see the banners of a splendid army again," he thought.

After a very long time, the ring was found by a strange little man who took him for his own. At first the ring was glad to be out of the river, but he did not like the little man, who talked to himself and had no army, nor even a house to live in. The little ring had to live in a damp old cave that smelled of fish.

Then the ring was rescued by another little man, who was much nicer than the first, but who had no palace or army, either. Finally he came into the hands of yet another little man, who brought him before a council of great lords. "At last I shall have the recognition I deserve," thought the proud little ring. "I have lived much too long in a river and a cave! That is no life for such an important ring as I!"

And so the little ring went on a rather strange and long journey, carried by the last little man. The ring understood that he was being taken back to the lands of his first master, the wicked lord, so he did not mind that there was no great army and splendid banners to accompany him. "Soon I shall enjoy life again!" the ring thought.

O, but the ring little suspected what was in store for him! He saw that he was fought over, and felt proud, but then he was falling, falling into a great fire! He heard a great clamor of armies and thought of the splendor of battle. "O, 'tis past! 'Tis over, all over! Never again," said the poor little ring.

In the spring, the earth bloomed again. All over the land, the grass grew over the battlefields where once the little ring had been so proud. However, those days were over and the ring was gone, and so every tale must end at last.


圣经•英文钦定本(King James Version)

1 And the Five went unto Rivendell, which is called Imladris by the Elves.
2 And with Frodo were Meriadoc, and Peregrin, and Aragorn son of Arathorn, and the Gardener Whom Frodo Loved.
3 And they went unto the House of Elrond. And Elrond summoned a great council, and summoned elves from Mirkwood, which was Greenwood before the reign of Thranduil. And also men from Gondor, and from Dale, and Dwarves from Erebor unto the Lonely Mountain.
4 And Elrond spoke, saying, what shall we do with this Ring?
5 And Gandalf spoke, telling all of Gollum, and of Saruman, and the origin of the ring; and they slept. And they said, Gandalf, shut up.
6 And Gimli sayeth, shall we not leave the ring with the Elves? And Elrond grew wroth and rent his garment.
7 For Gandalf spoke, saying, verily verily I say unto you, the ring must be destroyed.
8 And Frodo at last spoke, saying, I shall take the ring, though I do not know the way. And they were glad.

-- The Gospel According to Frodo


詹姆士•芬•加纳James Finn Garner——《政治正确的童话（Politically Correct Bedtime Stories）》

Sauron: the Toroidaly Enhanced

"I have come," Frodo said. But I choose to do what I came to do. I will not cast the ring into the fire. Don't you realize Sam, that destroying the ring would render several beings non-viable? Not only is this tantamount to the loathsome death penalty, but this judgement would have been rendered without any judicial due process."

Later at the war crimes trial (set up with a representative base of all the beings of middle-earth and being fundamentally limited in punitive powers) it is realized that Sauron was really a victim. His transgressions concerning the rings of power were a direct result of the shameful treatment he had received as a convicted lieutenant of Melkor. As there was never a proper recovery program put into place, his further rebellion was judged to be an attention-getting device or even a classic cry for help.

With proper counseling and the support of his peers, Sauron eventually developed into a productive member of the middle-earth community. In his later days he was famed for selfless generosity and his self-effacing midsummer's eve parties. The one ring (not that there was any thing inherently better about this ring, it's just that everyone was so used to the name that it was never given another title) was donated to the community for the better good. A rota was developed whereby anyone so desiring could have a turn wielding it.

Aragorn never did get over the "Rightful King of Gondor" hang-up. No amount of discussion on the "Need for Democratically Elected Government" or the "Rights of the Individual," however well reasoned, could persuade him that he didn't have the right to be a dictator of the masses and a law only unto himself. Eventually, he was reduced to ranting on a low-grade lecture circuit and was an object of pity by all.

Arwen broke off the engagement with Aragorn once she realized how inflexible he had become about the whole enlightenment business. After a discreet fling with the Mouth of Sauron, she devoted her life to gender equality issues among dwarfish womyn.

奥森•S•卡德——《安德的游戏》

"Ho, Frodo."
"Ho, Gandalf."
Pause.
"Sir," Gandalf said softly.
"I know what you're doing, Gandalf, sir, and I'm warning you."
"Warning me?"
"I can be the best hobbit you've got, but don't play games with me."
"Or what?"
"Or I'll be the worst hobbit you've got. One or the other."
"And what do you want, warm muffins and a full pipe?" Gandalf was getting angry now.
Frodo looked unworried. "I want the One Ring."
Gandalf walked back to him and stood, leaning on his staff, looking down into his eyes. "Why should you get the One Ring?"
"Because I'd know what to do with it."
"Indeed. Knowing what to do with a Ring of Power is easy," Gandalf said. It's getting them into Mordor that's hard. Why would anyone in the Fellowship want to follow a little pinprick like you?"

Orson Scott Card - Frodo's Game


杰克•万斯Jack Vance——《濒死的地球》

The party emerged from Mordor, each looking thoughtful. Aragorn spoke first.

'It is needless to say that we all regret the loss of Gandalf. He was truly a person of eminence and grace'.

'Yet', interrupted Legolas, 'The cynical and suspicious might find your heartfelt grief at his untimely demise perhaps lacking a touch of sincerity, given that his death at this time perforce elects you to leader of our little group'

' The implication in your words, Legolas, I find disturbing in the extreme', answered Aragorn.

'As do I, although the implication in question is perhaps a different one', said Boromir. 'Why is Aragorn, as you say, 'perforced elected' to leadership? Surely this matter should be referred to a larger referendum than just yourself, Legolas, intelligent though you may be'

'I used the specific appellation...', began Legolas. Gimli interrupted.

'Regardless, and I must say I find these small-minded squabbles of yours irksome and inappropriate, we are on the borders of Lothlorien, a realm whose inhabitants have certain unusual customs, which the unwary traveller often falls foul of. I suggest that our friend Frodo renders the Ring on to me until we are through Lothlorien and in a place of more condign safety, or perhaps an even greater period of time'.

Pippin frowned. 'Your suggestion has merit, although I would deem it wiser that someone more suitable, for instance I, should have the laborious and dangerous duty of actually carrying the Ring...'


'Lord of the Rings', by Jack Vance



尼尔•斯蒂芬森 Neal Stephenson——科幻小说家，《钻石时代The Diamond Age》

By Neal Stephenson (heavily borrowed, and eerily appropriate)

Frodo, the Deliverator, belongs to an elite order, a Fellowship of nine members only. He's got esprit up to here. Right now, he is preparing to carry out his only mission that matters. His armor is silver like the light of the full moon, jangling only slightly with its decorative gems. An arrow will bounce off its dwarvenmesh weave like a hammer off an anvil, but excess perspiration wafts through it like the winds over the charred plains of Gorgoroth. All the arrows of all the hunters in the world couldn't cut it against this one.

When they gave him the job, they gave him a sword. The Deliverator never looks for trouble, but some Orc might come after him anyway---might want his armor, or his cargo. The sword is tiny, aero-styled, lightweight, the kind of sword a Hobbit would carry; it cuts quickly into load-bearing beams without visible effort, and when you get done using it around evil, you have to sheathe it, because it glows in the dark.



吉恩•罗顿巴里Gene Roddenberry——《星际迷航Star Trek》

"The Halflings, cap'n, they will na take the strain"

"Strider, we've got to get out of this snow. Legolas, did you get a reading on that creature?"

"Fascinating, Captain. It appears to be an unknown creature that lurks in the pool waiting for passing strangers. Ecologically implausible, captain."

"Do you know what it is?"

"I believe I said it was unknown, Dr Gimli. Logically, if I knew what it was, then it wouldn't be unknown."

"Cap'n, we're in some sort of temporal warp, stretching and deforming the plot. The snow should take place a day before our encounter with this beastie."

"Captain, what are we going to do?"

"Boromir, put on that red armour."

"Cap'n, she can't hold much longer...."




乔治•卢卡斯版

George Lucas (old)

INTERIOR: Mines of Moria -- Outside Balin's Tomb -- The Bridge of Khazad-Dûm

GANDALF: You shall not pass!

BALROG: If you only knew the power of the dark side. Saruman never told you what happened to your father.

GANDALF: He told me enough! He told me you killed him.

BALROG: No. I am your father.

Shocked, Gandalf looks at Balrog in utter disbelief.

GANDALF: No. No. That's not true! That's impossible!

BALROG: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

GANDALF: No! No! No!

BALROG: Gandalf. You can destroy Sauron. He has foreseen this. It is your destiny. Join me, and we can rule Middle Earth as father and son. Come with me. It's the only way.

Balrog puts away his sword and holds his hand out to Gandalf. A calm comes over Gandalf, and he makes a decision. In the next instant he steps off the stone bridge into space. The Dark Lord looks over the platform and sees Gandalf falling far below. The wind begins to blow at Balrog's smokey wings and the torrent finally forces him back, away from the edge. The wind soon fades and the wounded Istari begins to drop fast, unable to grab onto anything to break his fall.


George Lucas (new)

ARAGORN : It is not disrespect, Master, it is the truth.
GANDALF : From your point of view....
ARAGORN : The hobbit is dangerous...they all sense it. Why can't you?
GANDALF : His fate is uncertain, not dangerous. Elrond's Council will decide Frodo's future...that should be enough for you. Now get on board!

ARAGORN reluctantly boards the Rivendell boat followed by MERRY. GANDALF goes over to FRODO.

FRODO : Gandalf, sir, I do not wish to be a problem.
GANDALF : You won't be, Frodie....I'm not allowed to train you, so I want you to watch me and be mindful...always remember, your focus determines your reality. Stay close to me and you will be safe.
FRODO : Master, sir...I've been wondering...what are midi-chlorians?
GANDALF : Midi-chlorians are a microcopic lifeform that reside within all living cells and communicates with Magic and the Ring.
FRODO : They live inside of me?
GANDALF : In your cells. We are symbionts with the midi-chlorians.
FRODO : Symbionts?
GANDALF : Life forms living together for mutual advantage. Without the midi-chlorians, life could not exist, and we would have no knowledge of Magic. They continually speak to you, telling you the will of Magic.
FRODO : They do??
GANDALF : When you learn to quiet your mind, you will hear them speaking to you.
FRODO : I don't understand.
GANDALF : With time and training, Frodie...you will.




弗兰克•赫伯特Frank Herbert——《沙丘》

Legolas allowed himself the luxury of allowing himself the luxury of a stray thought. What new treachery is this? he mused at the form coming slowly toward them through the world-haze. He reached out with senses sharpened by years of Elvish training. It looks like ... no! That cannot be! It must be a vision. Nazgul spies must have poisoned my lembas.

But the self within himself knew that his lembas was uncorrupted, that the vision that he saw now was not merely of a possible future but of an inevitable future. Yet still it strode closer, and closer, its pointed white hat contrasting sharply with the dull oceans of unbroken forestland and mountainrock behind it.

Galdalf lives!

"I am no longer Gandalf the Grey," the wizard intoned, his white stillrobes glistening in the day's heat. "Through the Trial of the Balrog I came close to death, but now the sleeper has awakened! I shall now be called ... Gandalf-Muad'Dib, the Mithrandir, the Lisan Al'Maia!"


-- from Ring Messiah, by Frank Herbert




道格拉斯.亚当斯——《银河系漫游指南The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy》

On this particular evening, something changed hands quietly in the back of a hobbit-hole in the Shire many miles from the dark realm of Mordor. A small, metallic something. Something which could be accurately described as a circular loop of shining metal.

The land of Middle Earth was almost oblivious to the change of ownership, which was wonderful for the two parties concerned. The trade went unnoticed among the citizens of Rivendell, it escaped the Nazgul completely, and even the dark lord himself continued straight on with his day without noticing. This was a pity for him, because it was exactly the thing he had been searching for all these years.

-- from The Mostly Harmless Ring of Power, by Douglas Adams




威廉•吉布森William Gibson——《神经漫游者Neuromancer》

Frodo jacked in.

He felt huge, invincible, unstoppable. Some small part of him knew that was the hits of pipe-weed talking, skewing his sense of self, making his nerves scream like they were being raked over rusted chrome. Knew, and didn't care.

Over his shoulder he could feel Sam hovering, a hollow nonentity. It was eerie knowing he was back there, like having an itch in a limb long amputated. All around him the middle-matrix arced off into an impossible blue infinity, gridlines benchmarking the empty nonspace.

"There it is," came Sam's voice. "That's the ice. Good luck breakin' in there, man, that was made by a military AI. Name of ephelduath. You ain't seen nuthin' like it. They say it's two way ice. Not only will it fry your brainpan tryin' to get in, nuthin' inside can work its way out. Leastaways, not without sarumancer's say-so."

Frodo wished Sam would shut the hell up. He also wished he wasn't about to do what he came for. He wished a lot of things. He surveyed this sector of cyberspace. Before him was the ephelduath ice, shadowy and indistinct, and very very deadly. And beyond it, just visible through the whorls of lethal, greasy code, was sarumancer himself. The Dark Lord presented in the middle-matrix as a collosal data construct, angular and hideous. A mountain of vicious, evil information so dense it was hard to look at, hard to take in all at once. It played tricks on the eyes. Each nodule, each piece of it seemed to contain a perfect glittering symmetry. A simple frightening geometry. But taken altogether it became a great organic pyramidal thing, a digital volcano spewing mirrored liquid spheres of awareness out into the void. These spheres, Frodo knew, served as sarumancer's eyes. When they intersected a gridline, at random, they would latch onto it and streak off in an unchosen direction in a vain effort to apprehend, to know, to see, all of the middle-matrix at once.

Here we go. He drew out the elvish icebreaker and contemplated its image for a moment. Given to him by Galadriel herself. He activated it, his unseen fingers moving fluidly over the keys of his Ono-Sendai. Triggered, the icebreaker flared up, a searing point of magnesium brilliance. He clicked forward, towards the ice. Slowly. Click. Carefully. Click. The elvish icebreaker encountered ephelduath's handiwork, and forced it to recede. The ice's killer algorithms spiralled futiley around Frodo and Sam as they rode the icebreaker inwards...

H.P.洛夫克拉夫特——恐怖小说鼻祖，《邪神召唤Call of Cthulhu》、《活跳尸Re-Animator》、《鬼屋魔影Alone in the Dark》……

If I were to tell you the true story behind the unmaking of that ring...that ring!...you would think me mad. Horrors such as are scribed in ancient tomes of eldritch evil cannot compare to the terror...the cruel, cold, braincrushing terror!...that we felt in the lair of that foul spirit which raimed itself in arachnid form, that vile scavenger, that horrid arcane leech lingering at the border's of Sauron's Black Land...

-The Ring-Journal of an Anonymous Hobbit, by H.P. Lovecraft


斯蒂芬•金

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

--William Blake


Come on, baby, light my fire

--The Doors


1. Gandalf Takes A Fall


Standing there, in the dark, Frodo Baggins reckoned he knew a lot about fear. He had begun to find out about it after The Party (and everyone said it that way, The Party, so you could hear the capital letters), when he had been come into possession of a certain ring, a very precious one, oh yes friends and neighbors.

And when he became aware that there really were shambling dark riders that came a-hunting Hobbits--that they were real, not just stories told by firelight to scare young Hobbits in their dark holes, why, then, fear had become his constant companion, closer even than Sam. Sam, who stood beside him in the dark with the others as the sound of distant drums echoed crazily through the caverns, sounding for all the world like a demented rock and roll band.

But now, here in Moria, the true measure of fear was upon him and he felt it like the icy breath of a barrow-wight on the nape of his neck, obscenely familiar.

Even Gandalf was scared, you could see it in the whiteness of his knuckles as he gripped his staff. And if Gandalf was scared, then you could be pretty fucking sure that some bad shit was going to go down. Because Gandalf was their leader. He bound the Fellowship together with his friendship and his firm voice (only hadn't he said something once about stuttering as a kid?) and yet here he was with that look in his eyes that said, Jesus Christ.


Jesus Christ, thought Gandalf. It's here, isn't it? Here. He could feel its presence, some malign thing. It wouldn't be long now. He could sense the

(balrog)

creature rising slowly from the slime of the pit, then more steadily. Then it was coming fast.

Then it came.

It was a ravening beast, manlike, deep flaming blackness (and were there wings or not? Gandalf thought crazily) and then it was upon him with its whip and flame and fear. He met it with all his power and as it struggle with him, he felt the bridge begin to give underneath them, and he had time to yell "Fly, you fools," and think, oh shit, and then he was gone.

Into the dark.

海明威版


Ernest Hemingway

It was very late and everyone had left the hall except an old man who sat in the shadows the leaves of the old Mallorn made against the moonlight. The two elves inside the hall knew that the old man was a little drunk, and while he usually was quiet and kept to himself they knew that if he became too drunk he would start setting things on fire, so they kept watch on him.
“He’s drunk,” one elf said.

“What do you care?”

“He’s muttering about the secret fire.”

“Leave him alone. He used to carry a ring.”

“He’ll stay all night. He should never have been rebodied.”

The old man rapped on the table with his goblet. The younger elf went over to him.

“What do you want?”

The old man looked at him. “Another miruvor.”

“You’ll be drunk,” the elf said. The old man looked at him. The elf went away.

“Look at his bushy eyebrows,” he said to his colleague. “There is nothing as nasty as an old Man. He’ll stay all night and I’ll never get any sleep.”

The elf took the bottle of miruvor from the counter inside the hall and marched to the old man’s table. He poured the goblet full.

“You should never have been rebodied,” he said to the old man.



马克吐温版
Mark Twain

NOTICE:

Persons attempting to resolve the question of Balrog wings by means of this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to define the nature of Tom Bombadil will be banished; persons attempting to find allegory in it will be shot.
BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR,
Per G.G., Chief of Ordnance.

FOREWORD:

In this book a number of dialects are used, to wit: the Quenya Elvish dialect; the extremest form of the Rhovanion dialect; the ordinary Sindarin dialect; and four modified varieties of this last. The shadings have not been done in a haphazard fashion, or by guesswork; but painstakingly, and with the trustworthy guidance and support of personal familiarity with these several forms of speech.

I make this explanation for the reason that without it many readers would suppose that all these characters were trying to talk alike and not succeeding.
THE AUTHOR.

CHAPTER 1

You don’t know about me without you have read a book by the name of The Red Book of Westmarch; but that ain’t no matter. That book was made by Mr. Frodo Baggins and his Uncle Bilbo, and they told the truth, mainly. There was things which they stretched, but mostly they told the truth. That is nothing. I never seen anybody but lied one time or another, without it was the Lady Galadriel, or Elrond, or maybe Gandalf. The Lady Galadriel – the Lady of Lothlorien, she is – and Elrond, and the wizard Gandalf is all told about in that book, which is mostly a true book, with some stretchers, as I said before.



莎士比亚版

This is Vindblain's (<-----me) version of how Shakespeare would've written it:

Gandalf: Whither thou goest young shireling. Wouldst thou be upon a torrent of mischeif whist ring on potentcy on thy stoutly finger?

Frodo: The Weird sisters be against me in a vile conspiracy of fate to have this ornament betrixt I and my shire. Twould not be a burden twere not for the temptress within my grip. To Mount Doom I must quest, with countenance gay.

Gandalf: Be ye wary of the Weird sisters misdoings. They prance like nymphs bidding ye to commit their will while dashing ye upon a rocky graveshore like sirens...

Frodo: It matereth not. Away, I am off. Gone from this land this shireling is. Off to take my leave of my home and queeth. Perchance never to return in bodily whole.

Gandalf: A ringwraith's gord be cast against ye if ye be not hatily on you way.

Frodo: Tis' sooth ye speak, so away I must, off with Moria's hand in mine. Tis' but a minor fear I feel nestled in my heartbreast. Perhaps me take comfort in mine thumb.

Gandalf: Do you suck your thumb at me sir!?

Frodo: I sthuck mine sthumb sthir, but I doth not tsuckuth mine sthumb at you sthir!........




约翰•米尔顿 John Milton——英国诗人，《失乐园》、《斗士参孙》

Of the great War of the Ring, and the tast
Of that Forbidden power, the long and
Arduous trek, thru’ fiery, blasted plains
With faithful Hobbits and treacherous beasts
To Chaos’ edge, and there to cast the One
To endless fire and eternal death:
Sing Heav’nly Muse, that in Rivendell did’st
First teach of the Rings of Power forgéd,
In the beginning how the Dark Lord Sauron
Brought into the world from fiery depths
Of Doom this ring of gold, pouréd into’t
His Malice and his Evil; I now
Invoke thy Aid to my Adventrous song
That struggle as it might to take to th’air
Though will I drag from bottomless perdition
Things unattempted yet in Prose or Rhime
And justifie the ways of men to Elves.

LotR, by John Milton


乔治•奥威尔George Orwell——《1984》、《动物农场》

"I cannot read the fiery writing," said Frodo.
"There are few who can," replied Gandalf. "It is the language of Mordor, which I will not speak here. Translated into the common tongue, it reads:
'All rings of power are equal,
But some rings of power are more equal than others.'"

LotR by Dave Barry:
At the end of the Council of Elrond, everyone concluded that 'Shards of Narsil' would be a great name for a band.

LotR by Matt Groening:
Frodo suddenly reappeared, bleeding from the hand.
Gollum triumphantly cried, "Hmmmm...hobbit finger with ring of power garnish."
But as he danced in victory, Gollum slipped and fell into the pit of fire. The Cracks of Doom echoed with his last despairing cry of "D'oh!"




托马斯•哈代Thomas Hardy——英国现实主义小说家、诗人，《德伯家的苔丝》、《列王》

--Insert reams of thick prose and endless paragraphs here---

And Frodo never got in to Christminster and all his children died in difficult circumstances.

Merrin



查尔斯.狄更斯——《双城记TALE OF TWO CITIES》

Charles Dickens, paid by the word, A Tale of Two Towers

IT WAS the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way- in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.


Not a word changed.




詹姆斯•乔伊斯 James Joyce——《尤利西斯》

Old man willow, whistling like a tea pot, shining like a star, oh so brilliant in the dreaming and smoke and by the river, Goldberry's river, dancing like a vision, Bombadil, Bombadil, Bombadillo. Rock of ages, young and ageless, naked before my eyes like Rivendell Rock, sweet and hard and trusting....



叶芝William Butler Yeats——爱尔兰诗人，诺贝尔文学奖

The Lake Isle of The Grey Havens

I will arise and sail now, and sail to the Grey Havens,
And a small tower build there, of mithril and magic made:
Nine ent friends will I have there, a hole for the hobbit free,
And live alone in the pipe weed glade.

维吉尔——古罗马诗人，《埃涅阿斯纪》

I sing of Rings, and the halfling who,
Forced by fate and eveil Sauron's unrelenting stare,
First left the Shires for the mountains for Mordor.
Long labors, both by water and land he bore,
Until the doubtful war was won, the destined tower razed,
The evil gods banished by rites arcane,
And settled sure succession in Aragorn's line,
Whence comes the race of human kings,
And the long glories of majestic Gondor.

-- The Gondoriad, Vergil


澳大利亚版


A.B. 班尼欧.彼德森——澳洲本土诗人，《雪河男子汉The Man from Snowy River》

The unofficial Australian version...
Once a jolly wizard camped by a dwarven mine,
Under the shade of the mountains misty,
And he sang as he watched and waited 'til his password worked,
"Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?
Ring-bearing Frodo, Ring-bearing Frodo,
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"
And he sang as he watched and waited 'til his password worked,
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"

Down came a monster to grab at that Ring-bearer:
Up jumped Lego-las and loaded his bow with glee,
And he sang as he fired all his arrows at that mo-onster,
"Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?
Ring-bearing Frodo, Ring-bearing Frodo,
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"
And he sang as he fired all his arrows at that mo-onster,
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"

Up came a Numorean, carrying his broken sword;
Down came the hobbits, one, two, three:
"Where's that coat of mithril you've got underneath your shirt?
"Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?
Ring-bearing Frodo, Ring-bearing Frodo,
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"
"Where's that coat of mithril you've got underneath your shirt?
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"

Up jumped the pony Bill and fled from the scene quickly;
"You'll never take me in there!" thought he;
And his neighs may be heard as you pass by that dwarven mine,
"Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?
Ring-bearing Frodo, Ring-bearing Frodo,
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"
And his neighs may be heard as you pass by that dwarven mine,
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"

Apologies to A.B. "Banjo" Paterson



杰弗瑞•乔叟Geoffrey Chaucer——英国诗歌之父，《坎特伯雷故事集The Canterbury Tales》


Whan that aprill with his shoures soote
Old Hobbiton hath perced to the roote,
And Frodo drinken down in swich licour
Of which vertu he passeth happy hour;
Whan Gandalphus eek with his wise voice
Inspired hath in Frodo's heart a choice,
(so priketh him nature in his corages);
To join odd folk to goon on pilgrimages,
And travel far to seken straunge strondes,
To ferne halwes, kowthe in sondry londes;
And specially from this homely shire's ende
To Mordor, evil's keep, to wende
To cast into the fire this One great Ring
...

-- Geoffrey Chaucer, The Canterbury Ring


《神曲—地狱篇》34

"Before I free myself from this abyss, Master Frodo,
Sam said when he had stood up straight,
"tell me enough I see I don't mistake;
where is the ring? And how is Sauron so placed
head downward? Tell me, too, how has the sun
in so few hours gone from night to morning?"
And he to me: "You still believe you are
north of center middle-earth, where I met the gaze
of the unblinking eye who pierces through the world.
And you were there as long as I descended;
but when I turned, that's when you passed the point
to which, from every, part, the rings weight from me is drawn."
There is a place beyond, the limit of
that sea, its farthest point from Sauron,
a place one cannot see: it is discovered
by ship-there is a sounding sea that flows
along the hollow of a rock, and the slope is easy.
So Gandalf and Frodo came upon that hidden road
to make their way back into the bright world
with no care for any rest, they sailed
Gandalf first, Frodo following-until he saw
through a round opening, some of those things
of beauty the Deathless Lands bear. It was from there
that they emerged, to see-once more-the stars.

Frodo's Inferno

约瑟夫•海勒——《22条军规》

Frodo had been born in the Shire. His uncle, Bilbo, was half a Baggins, and his idea of a good joke was to forget to tell people that he was also half Took. "I'm just an ordinary guy who enjoys smoking my pipe and going on short hiking trips", he would declare, and then he would interrupt his second breakfreast to run off an help a band a dwarves recover their treasure from an evil dragon. "I'm a staid, boring person who enjoys tea-time with friends", he would state, moments before vanishing into thin air during his 111th birthday party. Afterwards, when Bilbo had left for Rivendell, he had promised to put all of his affairs in order so that Frodo wouldn't have any troublesome problems to deal with, and had then given Frodo the One Ring of Power.

Growing up in the Shire, Frodo had always had trouble drawing attention to himself. Some Hobbits live lives of endless tea-parties and gardening and others see to have those lives thrust upon them. With Frodo, it had been both. Overshadowed by his more famous uncle, nobody ever seemed to take any interest in him.

And that was the state of his life when the Wizard Gandalf showed up in the Shire. "I'm looking for somebody who's brave enough and strong enough to take the One Ring to Mt. Doom in the center of Sauron's Kingdom and cast it into the fire", Gandalf said.

"Well, I'm just a small Hobbit who's never gone on a quest or done anything like that", Frodo replied.

"In that case, it would be a lot easier for you to hide from the Nazgul and other enemy spies. You're just the right person for the job."

And that was how Frodo was chosen to be the Ringbearer.

-Joseph Heller


汤姆•克兰西 Tom Clancy——畅销军事小说家，《彩虹六号》、《幽灵行动》、《分裂细胞》

The King of the Nazgul (KotN) fingered the safety buckle that secured the shortsword in it's scabbard. It was modeled after the Gladius design, making it wholly inadequate for going up against Elven armour, but it was perfectly suited for being jammed in the collarbone of a Hobbit 'merc, without calling too much attention to it's owner. His XO, "Camel" Khamul had used a similar weapon in numerous CoIN missions in North Gondor, where he had been sent to disrupt "Elrond's" supply fellowships sneaking down the Is-ild-ur trail.
The KotN smiled, even without a head. This mission was almost going to be a mead-run. Taking out a squad of sleeping halflings was going to be easier than slaying Wyvyrns sitting on a tarmac...

-Hunt for the Ring, Tom Clancy



艾茵•兰德 Ayn Rand——美国最知名的作家、思想家，美国精神的象征，自由市场经济鼓吹者，格林斯潘的老师，《地球颤栗Atlas Shrugged》

Smeagol writhed in corruption, his lifelong attempts to collectivize the Hobbit economy had twisted his soul and body and brought ruin to the Shire. "recious," he muttered. "recious colective good giving according to need." He shuddered at the thought of the unbroken individual standing proudly over a conquered plain with the Ring, and felt jealous that the wholesome power could not be his.



Hunter S. Thompson——编剧，GONZON新闻主义运动、BLOGGER教父

We were 20 steps from the exit when the giant flaming Balrons first appeared over our heads. These weren't your normal giant flaming Balrons but some sort of interdimensional Maia that would sit and spin in mid air before dissolving before your very eyes and sneaking up behind you. Gandalf had the pipe and I had the ring which, so far, I had been able to resist trading to the local drug lords for another package of white. Gandalf was shouting random Macrohydration spells while simultaneously trying to not trip over his robes and fall face first into the local pools of goo. Legolas took another drink from his flask and, once again, began explaining how elves were different than humans and much, much mellower.



丹妮尔•斯蒂尔 Danielle Steele——美国言情小说家……

Eowyn felt her heart flutter when she saw him. His raven hair flew in the breeze off the plain, and his piercing eyes caught her gaze as if by magic. He bore a kingly attitude; surely he was a prince. Her mind turned to forbidden things, things which would be forbidden to the King's niece, but surely allowed for a free shieldmaiden. She knew that she was made to love this ranger.

-Mark of the King



米基.史毕兰Mickey Spillane——美国硬汉派/冷酷派侦探小说家，《审判者I,the jury》、《The Big Kill》


I was sitting by the fire, puffing on a pipe, still nursing a hangover from the ale-fest the night before, when HE walked in.

He had a long white beard, a magical staff, and legs that youd like to eat on toast.

"Are you Frodo Baggins," he intoned.

"I might be," I said. "Who's asking?"

"My name is Gandalf, Mr. Baggins. And I need your help."

I looked him over. "Lots of people need my help. What makes YOU special?"

"Well, Mr. Baggins... there is a certain piece of jewelry. If it fell into the wrong hands, it could prove... troublesome. I need someone to take this ring to Mount Doom, where it can be destroyed."

I stuck some more weed in my pipe, and said, "Look, doll, let's get one thing straight- you can't come into my hole, tell me a fairy-tale about a magic ring, bat those pretty eyelids, and have me fall at your feet. I stick my neck out for nobody."

柯南道尔版

The difficulty in selecting material in which the reading public might show interest, the problem as a chronicler has been choosing those adventures which most brilliantly illustrate the deep knowledge and remarkable talents shown by my illustrious friend, Frodo Baggins of 221B Bag End.

I find, according to my notes, that it was a Wednesday in September in '19, that I chanced to be sitting in the parlour reading the Red Book of Westmarch while Baggins, in one of his odd humors, handled a large and battered felt hat. After some time, he tossed it over to me.

"Well, Gamgee," said he, gravely. "Here is the consequence of our ramble across the Water into Buckland yesterday. We have spent an instructive afternoon investigating my new digs in Crickhollow, but in our absence have missed a caller. An agitated one, I should say: in his haste he has left behind this most excellent hat."

"It is a pity we missed him," said I, examining it. "There is no way of knowing who it might have been. He left no calling-card?"

"I feel sure when the gentleman returns we shall have no difficulty in identifying him," Baggins said airily. "Can you not find any indications as to his identity?"

I knew my companion's methods and I did my best to imitate them. "It is a large hat," I ventured.

"Indeed, that is the most telling point of the matter," said Baggins. "Note the wide brim and exceptionally large and pointed crown. Such a hat would not fit you or I. The man who wore this hat must be at least four ells, if I am not mistaken, much into the manufacture of fireworks, well-travelled, gray-haired, and carries a well-worn wooden staff."

"My dear Baggins!" I cried. "It is quite beyond belief! I believe you are some kind of wizard!"

"Not I, Gamgee," said Baggins, peering through the curtains of the bowed window. "But unless I am much mistaken, there is one upon our doorstep to retrieve his hat."

Billy the page let in the visitor, who stood in the hall of Bag End, all in a gray cloak. He seemed to me as a large weathered aspen, tall and wizened with the weight of years, and had a craggy, lined face. He peered down at us with a desperate, haunted gaze, as one with a story of such horror and grotesquerie that I thrilled to imagine it.

"Have a seat, dear sir," said Baggins, gesturing with a pipe toward the basket chair. "This is my gardener, Dr. Gamgee, before whom you may speak as to me."

"My name is Gandalf," said the visitor, with a slight look of apprehension in my direction. "I am one of the four Istari, and I am at my wits' end, Mr. Baggins! I only hope you might help me with a devilish problem! It is quite beyond me or my order, so I come at last to you for the answer I must have."

"Istari?" said I, with a look at Baggins.

His eyes half-lidded, Baggins nodded. "One of the wizards who came to Middle-Earth in the year 1000 of the Third Age," he murmured. "You will find it filed under G in my pigeon-holes. Pray continue, Gandalf."

"Well, sir," Gandalf went on hurriedly, "I have been searching for a lost heirloom of magic which vanished on the Gladden Fields after the battle on the plains of Dargorlad. It is a ring, a small one, but one which my order is seeking. We know it was carried by the last King of Gondor, the heir Isildur, but I believe after that it has simply vanished from Middle-Earth! I am quite beside myself, Mr. Baggins, and you are my only hope. Can you help me?"

Baggins steepled his fingers together, his eyes closed. "Can you describe the Ring?"

"It is a plain gold band, without ornament whatsoever," said our mysterious visitor. "It is quite an ordinary ring, but of great sentimental value. I should be most appreciative if you could shed any light on my little problem."

"Of course," said Baggins. "Do you have any further information that might be of use in this investigation, however trifling?"

Gandalf hesitated. "It may be of no consequence."

Baggins opened his eyes. "It is upon the observation of details that the practise of genius relies," said he, sententiously.

"I may have overheard someone in connexion with the Ring," said the stranger, "give the name Shire. I decided to come to you at once."

"I see," said Baggins. "And was this informant an ancient Stoor perhaps two ells in height, with lanky hair and a bedraggled countenance?"

"Yes, that would be the very same," said the visitor, excited. "I see you are the very man who can solve my problem!"

"Quite," said Baggins. "I believe I can have this minor detail brought to a successful conclusion in a few days. Call again in two days and I'm sure I shall have your answer. And pray this time do not forget your hat."

"Thank you, Mr. Baggins," said our visitor, clutching the hat to his chest, and when he had been shown the door, Baggins sat down again at the deal-topped table, his brow clouded.

"Devilry, Gamgee!" was all he said.

In a quarter of an hour he rose to his feet and reached for his jacket. "Have you your service revolver, Gamgee?" said he.

"I have a stout walking-stick," I replied, meekly. "This is Middle-Earth, not London. Firearms have yet to be invented."

"A walking stick is just as well," said Baggins. "We shall have to make a little tramp through Hobbiton--perhaps as far as Rivendell. I suspect it may be dangerous, old man, so if you do not feel up to the challenge of such a journey--"

My stubborn streak reasserted itself. "I'm game," said I.

"Good hobbit," said Baggins, and his grey eyes flashed. "I'm afraid I cannot tell you more about this case at present, but our mysterious visitor was not the wizard Gandalf, but a clever disguise."

"Good gracious!" said I. "But how can you be certain?"

"Our visitor's hairs were white, as you must have observed, not gray," Baggins said. "In addition, he made a fatal mistake when he spoke of the four Istari, for in truth there are five wizards. I do not know what has become of the real Gandalf, if that is so, but we have no time to lose."

"Surely, Baggins," I said, and my spine tingled with horror. "You don't believe that Gandalf is a prisoner!"

"It is a capital mistake to theorise without data, Gamgee," Baggins said. "But allow me to summon a hack, and let us make first for Bree, where a little something nutritious from Butterbur's would not be out of order."


"The Fellowship of the Ring" as written by A.C. Doyle



埃德加•爱伦•坡Edgar Allan Poe——侦探推理小说之父


And now was acknowledged the presence of the Dark Lord. He had come like a thief in the night. And one by one dropped the Eldar and the Free Folk in the blood-bedewed halls of their revel, and died each in the despairing posture of his fall. And the life of the White Tree went out with that of the last of the Free. And the flames of the tripods expired. And Darkness and Decay and the Will of Sauron held illimitable dominion over all.




阿加莎•克里斯蒂Agatha Christie

A Trip to Mordor is Announced, by Agatha Christie

"A visitor for you, Mister Frodot."

"Is that so, Miss Lemon?" M. Frodot turned about in his chair to look at her, demi-tasse poised halfway between his lips and the saucer on the desk in front of him. "You did not tell me, did you, that I had further appointments aujourd'hui?"

"The gentleman does not have an appointment, Mister Frodot." She pressed her lips together disapprovingly. "I suggested he might make one, but he insisted it is a most urgent matter."

"I say!" exclaimed Pippin from the sofa, in between puffs of pipeweed. "What dashed rotten luck, to arrive unexpectedly in the middle of tea-time and demand..."

"Tais-toi, you fool of the Took," Frodot said, though not ungently. He replaced the cup in its saucer and laced his fingers together over his waistcoat. "Alors, Miss Lemon, you may show him in."

Miss Lemon stood aside and allowed the tall, bearded man in the pointed hat to enter the room. "Mister Gandalf LeGrey." Behind his back she wrinkled her nose faintly in distaste.

The gentleman so announced strode across the room, staff thumping against the carpet. "Thank you for seeing me, Mister Frodot," he said. His well-spoken, well-mannered voice was quite at odds with his disheveled appearance and long, unkempt beard rather like a charicature of a Balliol College professor which had gotten out of hand.

Instinctively Frodot began to stroke his perfectly groomed moustaches, and contemplated the gloriousness of his equally well-groomed barefeet beneath the desk. "Not at all, m'sieur. Won't you please sit down?"

"Would the gentleman care for some tea?" Miss Lemon inquired sharply from the doorway. "Or a coffee, perhaps?"

LeGrey sat down and shook his head. Frodot raised one eyebrow at her and said, "Merci, Miss Lemon, that will be all. You may return to your making of the filing system which perfectly organizes the -- comme on dit? -- 'sundering' of the elves." She pressed her lips together once again and shut the door behind her as Frodot's attention returned to his visitor. "Now, my good sir, how may I be of service?"

"I have a job for you, Mister Frodot."

"And what sort of job is it you have, m'sieur?"

"I want you to lose something for me."

Frodot did not respond immediately. "A most intriguing proposition, but I do not see how I can help. You do understand that I have the skill at finding that which is missing, not the other way around?"

"That I do indeed, Mister Frodot," LeGrey replied, leaning over the desk. "I realize that this is not your speciality, but if anyone can figure out how to lose this particular. . . item, with no one being the wiser, it is you. You have a reputation for being the cleverest elvish detective that ever --"

"Bon Dieu," Frodot interrupted, fuming, "I am not elvish, I am an 'alfling!"

"Whatever you say, Mister Frodot, but you come very highly recommended. Will you take the job?"

"Et bien, what is it you wish me to lose for you, then?"

"This." LeGrey drew a wad of cloth from his sleeve and, laying it on the desk, carefully unfolded it without touching the contents. Within the mass of white silk lay a plain gold ring.

Pippin joined them at the desk. "I say, that's a jolly handsome ring. But why on earth can't you lose it yourself?"

"Do not tempt me, Master Took!" LeGrey thundered.

"Oui, Pippin, you must exercise the little grey cells," Frodot berated him. "It is clear from M. le Grey's behavior that this is one of the rings de puissance -- a ring of Power."

LeGrey jumped to his feet and stared down at him in amazement. "That's incredible, Mister Frodot; you're absolutely right. How did you know?"

"Order and method, my dear M. le Grey," Frodot replied with a wink, tapping his forehead. "Now, you must tell me one more thing: where is it you should like for it to be disposed?"

LeGrey collapsed into his chair and pulled a face. It was some moments before he spoke. "The Land of Mordor," he intoned.

"Murder?" Pippin squeaked. "I say, that's smashing. If there's one thing Frodot knows, it's murder! When do we leave?"

龙珠Z版魔戒：

LotR Z

"This foe is beyond any of you... his power Level has reached at least 30,000 after fighting every Dwarf in Moria. Ki Fhy to the gate Aragorn, you must lead them on!" The muscles beneath Gandalf'sGrey Cloak strained in anticipation of the coming battle.

Soon after, when they were nearly at the gate, the Balrog launched a surprise Ki attack, knocking down Borrmir and stunning Blazing Fist Gimli.

Gandfalf turned to face him. "Fool!" said he, I don't have time for this nonsense... "ure Flame of Arnor Shield Wall Strike!" The massive energy wall sstreaked off towards the Balrog, who was knocked flying... though no-one was sure whether or not he had wings.

"Raaaaauuuugggg! Gandalf, I have not shown you my true power!

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

five minutes later

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaa!

Now I am a Super Balrog 2!!!!! My power level has gone up to 3 million!"

Gandalf just smirked. "I probably shoud have told you, after you left the service of Eru, we figured out a few new tricks. Here's a good one:

Kaaaaaaaaaa------Meeeeeeee------Haaaaaaqa-----Meeeeee----

-The Balrog laughed in anticipation of Gndalf's feeble attack-

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

The resulting explosion threw the Balrog back agaoinst the walls of Moria. His expression turned to one of complete disbelief. "Urrrghhh.... Ahhh... Ugghhhhh.... That's...not possible...."

The rest of the Fellowship of the Z Ring stared, twitching slightly and grunting in awe at Gandalf!

Gandalf grinned, "another one of those tricks I learned... I learned how to Hide my POWER level!"



龙与地下城版魔戒

As Gandalf the half-celestial wizard took blow after crushing blow from the Balrog, Frodo the halfling rogue stood in shock. His shortsword of quickness, Sting, would do nothing against that beast. It's damage reduction was just too great. Just then, on Gandalf's initiative, a deafening blast was heard, as he cast Rary's destructive dweomer, sending both he and the wandering monster into the depths of Kazad-dum. The Fellowship was devastated, but once out of the caverns they realized that they had all gained valuable experience that would take them to new levels of strength. So, Gandalf's sacrifice was not in vain. And who knows, perhaps the clerics in the next town could raise him? They went off together in search of a tavern...

-From LoTR, the D&D novel (1st book in the 12-part Mithrillance series)



DND跑团战报

"A balrog!" Gandalf rasped. "I might have known!"

Pippin hauled out his well-worn copy of the Monstrous Manual, while Merry peeked over his shoulder. "I don't see 'Balrog' listed in the index anywhere."

"Of course not, foolish Took," the high-level mage chided him. "The copyright to the 'Balrog' name is owned by the Tolkien estate. Gygax had to call it 'Balor' or a 'Type VI demon' when he put the MM together."

Merry quickly thumbed to the Demon section, only to recall that in 2nd Edition, "Demons" and "Devils" had been renamed Baatezu and Tanar'ri, although he never could remember which was which. He cursed the Fundamentalist Christian parents' groups who had threatened to boycott TSR for creating a "demonic" game, and which had forced that particularly stupid name-change upon them. Finally, though, he located "Balor" in the Tanar'ri section, grateful that they weren't among the discontinued demon listings like Orcus and Demogorgon.

"They're only 13 hit dice," Merry dutifully reported, "But they can cast dispel magic every round at 20th level, so watch yourself, Gandalf!"

"That also do 4d8 damage if they make a to-hit roll with their whip and drag you close to their bodies," Gimli noted. "I'm outta here!" He turned and ran at his full movement rate of 9 (12 if he wasn't wearing armor).

"Leave him to me," the mage intoned. "They're worth 46,000 experience points apiece, and if I kill him by myself, I get all of those points!" He strode toward the Balr-- er, Balor, and blocked the 10-foot-wide corridor leading out of the room. "You shall not pass!!"



香港功夫片

Shaw Brothers（邵逸夫兄弟的电影公司，吴宇森出道的地方）/Kung-fu theater style… (All dubbed dialogue that doesn’t quite match lip movement, of course!)

One Ring of Death (aka Ninja Fellowship, aka A Halfling Loaf of Kung Fu, aka Shaolin Versus Mordor, aka Superfighters)



[Gimli and Legolas finished off the last Orc with dual sidekicks to either side of the Orc’s neck.]

Gimli and Legolas: (Simultaneously) That’s six! Still tied!

[Suddenly the Chief Abbot appears at the other side of the Moria Bridge.]

Chief Abbot: Why, you! How dare ya disrupt my plansssss!!!

Gandalf: Chief Abbot!

Chief Abbot: Fool! Haven’t you figured it out by now? I’m really the Balrog!

All: Ah!

Balrog/Chief Abbot: For years now, I’ve been exiled into these caves. But what you didn’t know is… I’ve found the lost book!

Gandalf: You mean…

Balrog/Chief Abbot: Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, haaaaaaa!

Balrog/Chief Abbot: That’s right! The book of the five fiery fists. And I’ve finally mastered it too.

Frodo: Why, you!

[Frodo has flash-back of quick cut scenes showing the murder of his parents.]

Frodo: You must pay!

[Frodo leaps forward only to be thrown back by Gandalf.]

Gandalf: No! Your kung fu is still too weak. Go! Take the ring to mount doom. Learn it’s secret style. And avenge my death!

[Gandalf leaps forward, kicking the Balrog in the chest.]

[Balrog staggers back a few steps and then steadies himself.]

Balrog/Chief Abbot: Right. [Balrog gives thumbs up to Gandalf] Your beggars Kung Fu really is peerless. But still. You’re wastin’ your time if you think you can beat me!

[Balrog leaps forward, easily deflects a few of Gandalf’s blows, and plants an eagle claw to Gandalf’s throat.]

Gandalf: (Strangling) You’ve forgotten one thing. My secret kick.

[And with that, Gandalf slams his foot down on the bridge, sending them both into the abyss.]

Frodo: Maaaaassssttteeeerrrrrrr!!!!!!!!




无尽的任务版：

Welcome to EverQuest!
You have entered The Mines of Moria.
/loc
Your location is -74351.13, 66398.89, 12.65.
Gimli says, "No! [Balin]!"
/say Who is Balin?
/say What about Balin?
/say How can I help with balin?
/say who the bloody goddamned hell is balin?
Gimli says, "Balin was my cousin and the [King of Moria]!"
/say What about the King of Moria?
/say King of Moria?
/say screw it
/skill 3
You have no idea what direction you are facing.
Aragorn tells the group "We should get going."
You are encumbered!
You say, "The Ring is getting heavy."
Legolas ssays, "I hear something approaching."
Boromir shouts, "Train to crypt room!"
Gimli says, "Look out! A Orc is incoming!"
/assist gimli
n orc says, "It's Hobbits like you that have ruined your own lands! You'll not ruin mine!"
/con
An orc looks at you threateningly - you should win this fight, but it's not certain.
/a
You hit an orc for 4 points of damage!
An orc swings at you, but misses!
Legolas pierces an orc for 32 points of damage!
Legolas has slain an orc!
You have gained group experience!
Your faction standing with Orcs of Moria got worse.
Your faction standing with Mordor got worse.
Your faction standing with The Fellowship got better.
A cave troll says, "grrooooowwwwwl!"
/con
A cave troll looks at you threateningly - what would you like your tombstone to say?
/a
You hit a cave troll for 5 points of damage!
A cave troll pierces you for 109 points of damage!
You have been knocked unconscious!
Gimli has slain a cave troll!
You gain group experience!
You have reached a new level!
Welcome to Level 5!
/shout Ding!
Samwise shouts, "Gratz!"
Legolas shouts, "Gratz!"
Pippin shouts, "you sux0r!"
You are conscious again.
/petition I wish the Ring had never come to me!
Gollum tells you, "Then give Precioussss back, evil Bagginssss!"
/who gollum all

[Level 22 Rogue] Gollum (Obsessed Ringbearers) zone: moria
There is 1 player who matches your search criteria.

/tell gandalf Gollum's following us!
Gandalf shrugs.
Merry says, "What's THAT??"
Gandalf says, "It's a balrog! Run!"
You are encumbered!
/g I need a SOW!
You are encumbered!
Gandalf shouts, "You shall not pass!"
Gandalf hits a balrog for 588 points of damage!
A balrog hits Gandalf for 834 points of damage!
Gandalf has slain a balrog!
You get group experience!
Your faction standing with Creatures of Shadow and Flame got worse.
Your faction standing with Tolkein Geeks got better.
Your faction standing with The Fellowship got better.
Gandalf has died!
/shout Noooooooooooooooooooo!
Aragorn says "We have to get out of here!"

ZONING, PLEASE WAIT...

You have entered The Rocky Outcropping.
Gandlaf tells you, "Can I get a rez? My body's in Moria and I'm in Rohan!"

体育节目解说

LotR with Sportscaster Commentary (preferably Madden)

The army that wins will be the one that kills more of the enemy while not getting as many of themselves killed.

What's important for the forces of good? Turnovers. The forces of good can't turn over that ring. Turning over that ring will have a definite impact on the outcome of this war.

Watch as the pocket collapses around the Nazgul King and BOOM! He's down.

Let's go down to our battlefield sideline reporter for an update on Theoden. "Well, John, the word is that Theoden has been hit with a dart and mortally wounded, so his return for the second half is (wait for it) questionable."

And, of course:

The evil that is Sauron pales in comparision to the throwing ability of Brett Farve.


You guys got any more?



ESPN版

Commentator #1 And the teams are coming out for the second half and the Fellowship really has to come up with something here, right Bob? Espescially since Boromirs injury seems to have sidelined him for the rest of the game.

Commentator #2 Yes, exactly right there Niel. They should throw their game plan out the window. They're looking at third down and forever and they need to come up with some answers.

Commentator #1 They can't cough it up here. I mean if they loose the Ring here the rout is on, right Bob? I mean, obviously, the final score is the only statistic that matters, right?

Commentator #2 Absolutely Niel, turnovers will be the key here. Remember that in the end off the day the team with possession of the Ring is the team which will be leaving the field as winners. And since their offense has been sputtering all day you need to play tight and not make any mistakes at this point.

Commentator #1 Gimli seems confident and has stated in the half time that he’ll bekilling a lot off opponents today. But he’s up for a tough task dontcha think Bob?

Commentator #2 Yes. I couldn't agree with you more Niel. Sauron plays in-your-face defense and Middle Earth is always a tough place to play.

Commentator #1 Aaaaand we’re off! Wow, look at that! Great fake play by Aragon. The defenders are keying off on him and Frodo is going right down the side line without a defender near him.

Commentator #2 That was a blown coverage there by the Nazguls. At this point they need to prevent the big play and stay in their deep zones.

Commentator #1 Looks like we've got some extra-curricular activity on the field. Gullom is covering Sam and Frodo like a blanket. I believe that’s a penalty, isn’t it Bob?

Commentator #2 You’re right there Niel. The refs really should call that one. OUCH! Looks like we've got a player shaken up. Sauroman got blindsided! That really cleaned his clock. He's slow getting up.

Commentator #1 He really got his bell rung there. We hate to speculate on the injury... but it looks as if he might have broken his wand.

Commentator #2 In any case he’ll feel that one on Monday, Niel. I hope it’s not to bad. Sauron can ill-afford to lose him at this point.

Commentator #1 Right, well Frodo is coming out a new player this half. If he only could get close to the goal line we got a new game on our hands. Right Bob?

Commentator #2 Right you are Niel. This is really what the game needs. You really gotto hand it to Gandalf. He’s coaching the socks off Sauron at this point.

Commentator #1 We’re going down to the sidelines were Leslie has gotten hold of Mr. Balrog who was at the loosing end off last weeks upset. Over to you Leslie




CNN版

Ringbearers still at large

Mordor (CNN) - Reports from the field have just arrived that the notorious group of ringbearers known mysteriously only as "the nine" were spotted by a band of orcs entering the terroist safe haven known as "Lothlorien" several days ago. The Mordor State Department issued an official proclamation today that the group were known to be armed and dangereous and had already caused the death of many orcs in the region as well as the notorious brutal murder of a high ranking Balrog previously resif\ding in Moria. They warn that any concerned citizens were to contact the Mordor Foriegn affairs office immediately with information as to the whereabouts of these fugitives and to not try and confront them themselves.

"We will act in our utmost to bring these terroists to justice" President Sauron declared today. "These terroists are attacking our way of life, our culture and the way we live. The world must know that the collected will of the dark lords minions will be strong and resolute."

First detected in the town of Bree in the north of middle Earth, these terroists wasted no time in coldly taking the lives of all nine Ringwraith Agents when it was discovered that they were on a plot to topple Mordor. It is believed that the group is composed of primarily hobbits backed up by support from a wide variety of races including dwaves, elves humans and a mysterious backer only known as "Mithrander".

"I must stress, Hobbits are a primarily peace loving race" President Sauron warned today after a spate of hate attacks against hobbit dwellings. "These hobbits are extremists, fundamentalists, they do not speak for hobbit kind".

Agents also believe that these terroists have strong links to the group that assasinated the Foriegn Diplomat, Smaug, earlier this age. If so, it would explain the impressive array of mythical weapons that the group has acquired.

So far, the terroist group has been utilizing safe houses in elvish country to evade capture and have slipped passed even the most stringent defences the Dark Lord has set in place. Residents are afraid for their children and people have